Uzumaki Naruto and The Holy Toilet Paper
by Jer the Bear
Summary: Naruto was taking a leisurely walk through the woods when a giant robot fell from the sky. Inside was a white-haired Shinigami claiming a dimensional rift will destroy the ninja world unless the holy toilet paper can be found. Can Naruto save the world? And who is the stretchy man stealing all the villagers' food?


Disclaimer: I barely remember what happened in Naruto, so I likely have no idea what I'm talking about.

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_Uzumaki Naruto, on an epic quest - a tale of adventure - filled with: unrequited love, political intrigue, and...NINJAS! It is a coming of age story, a story of redemption, and a character study on how one finds a place in the world (of NINJAS!). Naruto makes friends (with NINJAS!) and engages in violence (against NINJAS!), all the while trying to stay true to his (NINJA!) self. Indeed, an epic masterpiece of epic proportions so epically epic that it makes Goku's power-level comparable to slime mobs. Or at least, it would have been, had not the giant robot suddenly dropped out of the sky..._

Once the smoke cleared, Naruto realized he was looking up the butt of twenty-meter tall, blue-and-white robot which, as if by teleportation Ninjutsu, had abruptly appeared in the sky. The robot had quickly crash-landed, generating a large crater in the ground. It had also nearly squashed Naruto, but thanks to some quick, NINJA!-like, reflexes, Naruto managed to avoid a fatal injury. Brushing himself off, he approached the large machine, eyes wide with curiosity. He had never seen such a thing before after all. Naruto was particularly in awe of the meter long blades in the robot's hands, blades which were dozens of times larger than his shurikens. Reaching out his fingers, he was about to touch the robot's hard, metal exterior when suddenly, the sound of steam could be heard, followed by the opening of a hatch. Pausing his hand in mid-air, Naruto's eyes instantly turned towards the robot's head, the source of the steam. He was just in time to see a white-haired boy emerge, the boy wriggling back and forth a bit before falling out of the robot. He hit the ground with a thud.

Running over, Naruto asked, "Hey, are you alright?" The white-haired boy didn't immediately respond however, instead mumbling some explicates before finally turning around. He then gave Naruto an icy glance, one which would have caused most people to shy away. Naruto, seeing nothing threatening in the boy's teal-colored eyes though, actually advanced, remarking, "That fall must have hurt."

"It was nothing," the boy finally replied, his tone cold as ice. It was obvious he didn't feel like talking.

Naruto, not getting the message though, continued the conversation. "Is that yours?" he asked, pointing to the robot.

"It's-" the boy began to reply when he suddenly paused, his eyes looking at his pocket. From within, a bright pink light could be seen radiating out. "No way," the boy mumbled in surprise, reaching into his pocket and pulling out what appeared to be the head of a miniature elephant, trunk and all, minus the tusks. It was glowing, casting the surroundings in a pink hue. Holding out the head, the boy looked on wide-eyed, watching as the trunk portion gradually began to stiffen, until it was perfectly erect.

Naruto also watched, though he had no idea what was going on. It seemed exciting enough however, causing his heartbeat to quicken. "What is that?" he asked.

Instead of replying, the boy asked his own question, "You, what is your name?"

Instantly, Naruto grinned and declared, "Uzumaki Naruto! Believe it!"

"Is there some reason I should be doubtful?" the boy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"W-what?" Naruto remarked, confused.

"You felt the need to tell me to believe you. That would imply that you thought there was some reason for me to doubt," the boy explained.

Naruto felt his head begin to spin. "A-ah, I was, I mean, that is-" he stuttered. Before Naruto had a chance to finish his thought, he saw the elephant head grow brighter, the pink light increasing in intensity.

"This is bad," the boy mumbled, "It's going to explode soon."

"E-explode?" Naruto asked, "What do you mean explo-?"

Just as Naruto was speaking, he saw the boy step forward. Then using the opportunity when Naruto's mouth was open, the boy shoved the elephant trunk in, causing Naruto to open his eyes wide with surprise. Before Naruto could protest, or push the boy away, he felt the elephant trunk shoot some sweet nectar into his mouth. Reflexively, Naruto swallowed the liquid, falling backwards onto the ground as he did so, the elephant trunk leaving his mouth with a _pop_.

"Looks like it's over now," the boy said, still holding onto the elephant head. He watched as the trunk slowly deflated, losing its rigidity.

Naruto, on the other hand, was furious. "What the hell was that for?" he demanded, jumping up off the ground.

"It chose you," the boy replied.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"The Gundam chose you to be its pilot," the boy elaborated.

"Gundam?" Naruto asked.

The boy nodded, pointing to the robot. "That's what it's called, a Gundam." Then holding out the elephant head, he continued, "And this is the device that allows a pilot to be chosen. The Weenie glows pink when a suitable pilot is found. You see, the pilot has to be an Innovator, a human capable of utilizing quantum brainwaves. However, under normal circumstances, that power lies dormant. The liquid you just drank from the Weenie helps awaken those powers."

"Quan-what? What?" Naruto asked, the information going way over his head. Then with narrowed eyes, he said, "Who the hell are you?"

"Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro," the boy replied, "of the Soul Society."


End file.
